idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
