Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
