one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
