so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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