y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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