Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
