I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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