Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
