I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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