I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
