Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
