i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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