Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
