I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
