Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
