So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
