the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
