They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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