he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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