I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize