Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
