Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
