so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
