Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
