I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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