do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize