So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
