No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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