somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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