OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
