When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize