so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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