All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
