took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
