Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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