He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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