Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize