Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
