I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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