i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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