So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Two words: nipple clamps
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