I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
