pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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