how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
