i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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