All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
