he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize