Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
