His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
