my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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