just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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