I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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