I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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