So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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