I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
