where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
