yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Barsexuality is the new black.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
