I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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