I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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