ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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