I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
