He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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