my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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