If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
