Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
