I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize