So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
