Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
