If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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