I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
