If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize